on fear



Registered: November 2010
Posts: 692
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This was one of those pages that I wasn't ready to scrap and journal until two years after it had happened. And wasn't ready to share until 18 months after that. But it's one of those pages that reveals just how much story and scrapping..even the dark clouds in our lives..can be powerful. Even cathartic and healing. Those darker times are still part of who we are. Story lives there.

journaling reads: never been so terrified. never felt so helpless. we knew you were struggling more than ever before. we knew you were so very sick. so very lost. we all dreaded the bottom. we all feared it would come. But even after more than two years of emotional chaos, of worrying and wondering, of hoping for the best, and of disappointments..this day -- Sunday the 25th day of 2009...this day felt different. I knew you were serious. I knew you had given up. I heard the defeat in your voice. I believed you when you said you had a plan. a plan to end it all. you were tired of suffering. you were tired of the guilt. you felt hopeless and angry and defeated and sad. And so when I was finally able to reach you on the phone and we spoke, I knew that bottom had come. You were done. And I was terrified. I felt so helpless. As angry and frustrated and tired as I was, I still felt the burden of your pain. And I couldnít bear to let it win. I spoke with urgency to everyone..I rallied support in prayer. I was going to fight. I wish that Chris had listened to me. I wish he hadnít already given up the fight for you. Becauase he didnít take it seriously. He didnít believe you would do it. I was SO angry with him. I guess in some ways I still am. So he didnít cooperate with the plan. And mom and I hoped and prayed that we had until tomrrow. We didnít. Not 12 hours later I got the call. You were in the car. You were unconscious. You did exactly what you told me youíd do. You had given in to the pain. And I was so terified. So so terrified. And I felt so helpless. I was 1400 miles away and you were dying. And I couldnít save you. I lost my head and I let myself lose sight of my shepherd. I let myself forget that even though I was out of control and helpless, HE was not. He has a plan and He brings even the worst things we can imagine together for the good. I forgot to hold on to my faith that He could save you. And would. That there was light in the darknes. That there was reason to priase Him in the storm. That everything would be ok, in the end. That this hole..this dark place, would give way to something better for you. And it has. 25 & 26 January.


by Natali Design:
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Hoot Hoot
Happy Halloween
Bella's Attic
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fonts: CK Mama O, Courier New, SF Old Republic

inspired by the October 2012 Just Press Play story challenge
· Date: Thu April 10, 2014 · Views: 427 ·
Keywords: on fear

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